Coming of age.
I had this blog all written and ready to go (which is unusual as I'm normally writing at ten to midnight) when Alison posted something on my timeline which made me see things slightly differently. 😁 I decided to ask Keith to join me in this one...... which is a first.
Thursday was our 21st wedding anniversary. . Being married has, for both of us, been incredibly hard. I haven't enjoyed it very much and Keith has definitely struggled living with me ( We aren't really supposed to say things like that are we? 😀) However ........ this year for the first time in many years I actually feel we might have something to celebrate.
When I made my vows all those years ago I was really aware that I was promising for worse, for poorer, in sickness. The opposite would be a bonus but really what I was promising was that however difficult or hard this might get I'm in it till one of us dies. I meant it. Which is why I'm still married.
Christians find it hard to talk about marriages. We are all supposed to love each other and honour each other and present a united front. We arent supposed to talk down our spouses which makes it incredibly difficult to be honest with anyone about what is going on if things are hard. Keith and I are both very different due to our different upbringings and families. Id be more than happy to tell absolutely everything to anyone who would listen. He is incredibly private and getting outside input and prayer has been hard over the years - although we are incredibly thankful to those who have intervened at times and kept the wheels on the wagon.
However, my mantra for many years was this; 'Nothing lasts forever, especially not feelings'. And after lots of years of thinking that I really wasn't doing terribly well at being married, this year I'm feeling a bit more positive. I now find myself being thankful. Im thankful that we are still together and getting on fine. We have a somewhat unconventional relationship I think, but we have worked out how to make it function well enough and over lockdown, surprisingly, we have had a really smooth ride. After 21 years we have learned how not to push each others buttons, how to deal with conflict, what to do apart and what to do together. We have more laughs and fewer rows ( Im a real fly-off-the -handle, scream and shout hothead while Keith is a passive conflict avoider :) We have always been and are still spiritually on pretty much the same page - and that's what has kept us together over all the years I'm sure.
Slowly over time our circumstances have changed. The boys are no longer whingeing demanding teething toddlers who deprived me of sleep for the best part of seven years ( I did not cope well). My mental health is so much better now that Ive been on anti-depressants for ten years. Keith has been in a job he really enjoys for the past two years and that has made him significantly less stressed. We have stuck at it, even when those closest to us have questioned why. And through the grieving and the struggles and the disappointments God has held onto us tightly and not let us go.
I realise now that I had ridiculous expectations of married life and of Keith the day I walked down the aisle 21 years ago. I thought it was going to be all cosy partnership and shared vision and dynamic exciting spirituality. In reality it has mostly been housework, homework and alot of boredom. 😀 But out of that we have grown three boys who know Jesus. I am so thankful for that. On the day we announced our engagement, someone in church had a picture of Keith and I. We were both coming down from the mountain tops into a valley where we met. We held hands and we moved forward through the valley. The guy giving the picture said that if we just kept going forward together we would eventually come out of the valley and into the sunny uplands. I didnt think he was talking about being in the valley for 20 odd years! And Im not sure how much of the past 20 years we have really been hand in hand. But I think we have been going forward - albeit sometimes incredibly slowly. Who knows, maybe by our Ruby anniversary we will be dancing in the meadows together. 😂
If you are thinking about quitting your marriage - don't. ( unless of course your situation is dangerous in which case get out as soon as possible) Stick at it. Don't think you are entitled to happiness, or indeed to anything. If God put you together then He can keep you together, but sometimes that just has to be by an effort of your will and a decision to do the right thing. And please do talk to someone if your relationship is hard. There is no judgement. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Everyone has wanted to kill their spouse at one time or another - and some of us have wanted to kill ourselves. But nothing lasts forever - especially not feelings.
The blogs seem to have got very serious these past few days. I promise to lighten up a bit tomorrow 😀
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